My girlfriend’s brother is fucking hilarious. Last night on the phone he told her about this assignment he had for high school class (philosophy? US history? not sure), in which he and a group of friends were asked to create an album cover for a band consisting of Locke, Voltaire, Rousseau, and Montesquieu aka the four major Enlightenment philospophers and rumored godfathers of the American Constitution (R.I.P.). Here’s what he came up with:

BAND NAME: Philosophitallica

BAND MEMBERS (instrument / “catchphrase”):

John Locke (frontman)

Francois Voltaire (“hammers home his ideals with his double bass drumming” ["double bass drumming" is a new one on me, aparently means dude has two kick drums. righteous!])

Jean-Jacques Rousseau (singer/songwriter / “bringin’ home the red scare with his communist-esque lyrics and bad boy attitude”)

Charles “The Baron” de Montesquieu (rhythm guitar)

ALBUM NAME: To Ordain, Establish, and Secure the Right to Rock

SAMPLE SONG NAMES:

“You Gotta Keep ‘Em Separated” (in reference to the branches of federal government [The Offspring: still packing cultural currency ten bazillion years after the fact])

“People: Loving, Caring, Sharing” (in reference to Locke’s belief that humans are basically good)

…and so on. Never did find out what the cover art looked like, but I can only assume it was funny. Girlfriend and I imagined teacher and his girlfriend/wife going over these assignments, how much fun that must be, decided they probably look forward to it all year. I would.